Confessions of a confused heart.

Hey fellow companions following my journey!

Adapting to Spanish.
Making new friends.
Not living in the city anymore.
Etc.

My changes/problems seem endless when I think about them but I don't seem to notice them when I live each day without thinking about them. It's like looking back and saying "when the hell did that happen??"

Going out.
Loving the friends I made.

Though my "good things" list doesn't really expand beyond that, the few things I have gotten to do here, I wouldn't trade for anything.
Though it's been two years almost, I feel homesick often. Like I have mentioned before, no not because of the place but the people! Here, everyone is great, but they are not the friends that I've had practically all my life.

Anyways, I have a close friend here, and I also met a guy...
DUN DUN DUN

Sarah met a guy? Is that even possible?
Apparently so, guys ;D

I was at my friends birthday party at the beginning of March and her cousin came with his girlfriend. They introduced us and that's it. I'm not one to look at another girl's man no matter what.
We didn't talk much at the party, but the next day my friend invited me over to her house to spend the day. It was Sunday, and usually on those days I go and spend the day there. I was surprised to see that her cousin had spent the night, but stayed aloof since he was not available. We shared lunch together and then just chilled in the living room all day watching him rap, and looking at pictures, etc. I left at night, said my goodbyes and went home. The next day, I texted her saying I was going to go over again today since we had the week off from school. Again there he was, that's when I figured out he was going to stay the entire week. I was cool with that. We actually got along very well, we were like life time friends.

By the time Tuesday night arrived, I got home and went on Facebook only to find a message from my friend. She asked me if I wanted to go out with them to Montevideo for the day. I wanted to, of course, but I doubt my mother would let me. That same night, I was chatting with my friend and she sent me a message telling me that her cousin wanted my number, so I told her it was fine for her to give it to him. It was three minutes later that I received a message from him, telling me that he wanted me to go and that he would not enjoy himself as much without me there.
I stared at my phone dumbfounded and blushed. I was so in over my head, thinking way ahead and out of my league. I replied saying I'd try my best to convince my mother and considered the message "friendly".

Finally, my mother came around and let me go to Montevideo. I was walking towards the bus stop when I saw him and my heart did this little flip inside me. I cursed myself, wanting not to feel this way, as if I was in some kind of novel, haha.
On the bus ride home, after a long day, him and I sat together. He had told me before, while we were alone that he saw I was upset at something. I was amazed that with such ease he could see through my facade. I told him that I had some stuff in my mind but that I was okay. In the bus he insisted on me sitting with him to talk. I'm not one to open up to anybody about really serious stuff but everything just flowed out of me that day. I told him about my mom's negligence, how she didn't want to get tested for colon cancer even though she showed symptoms. Then one thing let to another and we ended up talking about our family issues and about my trip and his rapping. It was a heart-to-heart totally unexpected which made it that much special.
Once we climbed off the bus, I gave him a giant hug, glad he returned it and we said our goodbyes ; knowing I would see him the next day. I reached my house, less than ten minutes later and checked my phone and saw I had a message from him asking me how I got home. I blushed, happy that he cared, but knew that it was strictly platonic.
We texted each other non-stop 'till one of us crashed. The next day he texted me telling me that he wanted to see me, and that he needed it. When I went over, my friend told me that his girl friend came by and snatched him away for the day. Of course no one knew and couldn't suspect that I was feeling anything more than a bond to him, so I laughed it off and left sooner than I normally do. That night he messaged me on Facebook, talking to me about how him and his girl got into a fight and that it's over between them. My selfish little inner me screamed "booya!" but I messaged him showing nothing but remorse for him. He told me not to sweat it and that he was upset he didn't get to see me.

I told him that tomorrow would be a new day and he said that it was also his last day here before he went back to his town, an hour away...
I told him I needed to tell him something and he said he had something to tell me too but that I had to tell him first so I said no, and the argument went on playfully that way all up until the second before he got on his bus home. We were at the bus stop waiting and he was begging me to tell him but I couldn't! The embarrassment won over me and it kept my words from spewing out. BIG MISTAKE. He told me that until I told him he wouldn't say anything, and with that his bus came. When it did, he gave me a giant kiss on the cheek and went to the bus but not before he took my sweater with him. I pretended to be mad, but God knows I was anything but. About two minutes later, I got a text from him telling me to tell him, and so I did. I wrote down how much I like him, and that I was sorry for being a coward and not saying to his face, that's when he replied saying that he couldn't believe that and he was going to ask me if there was a chance we could be more than friends...at that moment, everything wasn't just black and white anymore it was like a rainbow, and I was happy again. Since then I truly realized why people say to take a chance on something even if you feel like it would totally crash and burn at your feet. In cases like these it's worth it and now I will forever regret not taking advantage of the opportunity when I had him here with me. Don't make that mistake ever! Even if things don't turn out the way you hoped, you can never rue doing what you did, it's all for the best.

The next few days were blissful talking to him, knowing he felt the same way for me was refreshing and even though it was all hearts and glitters.

Not everything that glitters is gold.

I knew, I would never be able to have a relationship with him without pissing a lot of people off, and that's where I am now. I'm stumped between my happiness and other's. Another problem is we haven't seen each other since he left and I'm not sure where we stand. What I do see occasionally is pictures that he gets tagged in, on Facebook and he's always with my sweater on, though it makes me happy it also gets me more confused...

I'm where now?!?!

Have any of you ever moved away?
Whether it was to a different town, or even country; like me.

It's not a very joyful experience, while you are making the transition, since you have all these negative thoughts about leaving behind a place and people you hold dear to you.
It's not until after you have settled down when you start to realize all the new things that surround you.

When I was packing for Uruguay, I couldn't find it in me to cry anymore. That's how hurt I was.
My mother came to me one day and randomly decided to tell me that she had been thinking about this move for quite some time now, and when was I told? Never.
I was not informed about this drastic change until after the decision was made, and everything was out of my reach.
All my peers and teachers told me : "Oh! I'll kidnap you until your mom leaves and you can live here!"
I would giggle, as a bittersweet feeling rushed over me. It was nice that they would say that but we all know that it was impossible for me to stay here, which made the feeling stronger.

Anyways, come June 3rd, I hopped on a plane at JFK and in 16 hours I would arrive to new territory.

URUGUAY JUNE 4TH, 2011 -->

Try walking from out of an airplane, without no one at your side, going to face a whole family that you have had for your entire life but never even met.
It was overwhelming for me. Everyone in the main area of the airport anticipating my arrival, knew me. They have past memories of themselves with me, even if it was as a baby.

I was standing before the gate, with my luggage, behind a big cartel that was promoting some Spanish product. Everything was foreign. My mother always spoke to me in Spanish for the soul reason that I would have to use it one day, only naive Sarah thought it would have been used back home, not in a Hispanic country.
I took a deep breath, and made my way, through some giant glass doors, and there they were. The strangers whom I will live with from now on. I saw everyone jumping in place, holding a giant banner that said "BIENVENIDA SARITA", and crying.
I was trying to find an emotion deep in me, I really was, but got nothing. Blip.
As I searched the faces, trying to find a known one, I found my grandmother. I remembered speaking to her for about 5 minutes on the phone, and seeing her in pictures, but she was actually here this time.

After half an hour of being smothered in kisses and being forced to hug and take pictures with them, we got into a giant van and headed towards the place I now call home.
It was beautiful, the landscape, the language spoken, and the charisma shown in people here, but this was not for me. This wasn't my NJ.

After some time of being here, I started to notice my surroundings, as I mentioned above. I started high school, made one or two friends, and adapted well to the change in customs.
You can ask me now, Where do you prefer to live? The U.S or Uruguay?
Need I say the answer? Uruguay!
It's taught me so many things that I didn't know before from living in the states.
Everyone has their place for them in the world. I respect the love that some people have for the country they live in, because I once felt that love for USA. And everyone is also entitled to their own opinion on the world. I got so much shit when I started school because everyone told me that I was crazy to move here and leave behind such a wonderful place.
Now you see, that's where I have to disagree. In Uruguay, though our size goes against us, we're all like a giant family. I have been treated better here in almost two years than I have in USA after living my whole life there. The people here are genuine, with the exception of the many who live their life on the wrong side, which happens everywhere.
I will always have a little place in my heart for the states because it is the place that brought me my childhood, and the friends I have today, but if I were given the decision to ever return, I wouldn't.
I've had major differences with someone that still lives in my ex-town because I feel that there are better things here than there are over there, and he tells me to drop the subject.
He's right though, why fight about something so unnecessary?
He loves the states, I love Uruguay. In the end, we will both defend our own territories, even if we're completely wrong about them. We all come from different places, and are headed in different directions. In my opinion, the best people and most humble, never leave behind their true roots.

P.s: One thing that really does "grind my gears" as said by Peter Griffin (<3), are the people who feel the need to completely ignore their heritage. If you come from Colombia, Brazil, Uruguay, or wherever, and you move to the states, you don't automatically turn Caucasian, but that's something that I would see happen all the time in my last high school. Hispanic people turning down their backgrounds to be feel superior? better about where they think they come from? I have no idea, why do it. There's no better country than your native one. Keep that in mind. I learned that the hard way, but now I couldn't be happier. :)