This blog lived up to it's name.

Fellow viewers, although that's not many, I do hope that those few stuck around.

It's been over a year, so long that, this blog: A blast from the past, almost became part of my past.

Don't be discouraged though! As I came out of my blog hibernation and decided to catch you up on me. Of course, you don't think it'll be on here, do you? 

No, definitely not. We're caught up with any important things that have happened to me in life. 

What's happening and what's coming up is going to get it's own blog only because it's amount of awesomeness can't fit in with the past's awesomeness.

It's all just too awesome!

Of course, if I have to reassure you guys as well as myself that, it can't be too true. But fear not, I'll try my best.

I'll see you (with much hope) over at my new blog on somethingaboutanythingreally.blogspot.com, which will carry the name of (something awesome no doubt about it)...

Confessions of a confused heart.

Hey fellow companions following my journey!

Adapting to Spanish.
Making new friends.
Not living in the city anymore.
Etc.

My changes/problems seem endless when I think about them but I don't seem to notice them when I live each day without thinking about them. It's like looking back and saying "when the hell did that happen??"

Going out.
Loving the friends I made.

Though my "good things" list doesn't really expand beyond that, the few things I have gotten to do here, I wouldn't trade for anything.
Though it's been two years almost, I feel homesick often. Like I have mentioned before, no not because of the place but the people! Here, everyone is great, but they are not the friends that I've had practically all my life.

Anyways, I have a close friend here, and I also met a guy...
DUN DUN DUN

Sarah met a guy? Is that even possible?
Apparently so, guys ;D

I was at my friends birthday party at the beginning of March and her cousin came with his girlfriend. They introduced us and that's it. I'm not one to look at another girl's man no matter what.
We didn't talk much at the party, but the next day my friend invited me over to her house to spend the day. It was Sunday, and usually on those days I go and spend the day there. I was surprised to see that her cousin had spent the night, but stayed aloof since he was not available. We shared lunch together and then just chilled in the living room all day watching him rap, and looking at pictures, etc. I left at night, said my goodbyes and went home. The next day, I texted her saying I was going to go over again today since we had the week off from school. Again there he was, that's when I figured out he was going to stay the entire week. I was cool with that. We actually got along very well, we were like life time friends.

By the time Tuesday night arrived, I got home and went on Facebook only to find a message from my friend. She asked me if I wanted to go out with them to Montevideo for the day. I wanted to, of course, but I doubt my mother would let me. That same night, I was chatting with my friend and she sent me a message telling me that her cousin wanted my number, so I told her it was fine for her to give it to him. It was three minutes later that I received a message from him, telling me that he wanted me to go and that he would not enjoy himself as much without me there.
I stared at my phone dumbfounded and blushed. I was so in over my head, thinking way ahead and out of my league. I replied saying I'd try my best to convince my mother and considered the message "friendly".

Finally, my mother came around and let me go to Montevideo. I was walking towards the bus stop when I saw him and my heart did this little flip inside me. I cursed myself, wanting not to feel this way, as if I was in some kind of novel, haha.
On the bus ride home, after a long day, him and I sat together. He had told me before, while we were alone that he saw I was upset at something. I was amazed that with such ease he could see through my facade. I told him that I had some stuff in my mind but that I was okay. In the bus he insisted on me sitting with him to talk. I'm not one to open up to anybody about really serious stuff but everything just flowed out of me that day. I told him about my mom's negligence, how she didn't want to get tested for colon cancer even though she showed symptoms. Then one thing let to another and we ended up talking about our family issues and about my trip and his rapping. It was a heart-to-heart totally unexpected which made it that much special.
Once we climbed off the bus, I gave him a giant hug, glad he returned it and we said our goodbyes ; knowing I would see him the next day. I reached my house, less than ten minutes later and checked my phone and saw I had a message from him asking me how I got home. I blushed, happy that he cared, but knew that it was strictly platonic.
We texted each other non-stop 'till one of us crashed. The next day he texted me telling me that he wanted to see me, and that he needed it. When I went over, my friend told me that his girl friend came by and snatched him away for the day. Of course no one knew and couldn't suspect that I was feeling anything more than a bond to him, so I laughed it off and left sooner than I normally do. That night he messaged me on Facebook, talking to me about how him and his girl got into a fight and that it's over between them. My selfish little inner me screamed "booya!" but I messaged him showing nothing but remorse for him. He told me not to sweat it and that he was upset he didn't get to see me.

I told him that tomorrow would be a new day and he said that it was also his last day here before he went back to his town, an hour away...
I told him I needed to tell him something and he said he had something to tell me too but that I had to tell him first so I said no, and the argument went on playfully that way all up until the second before he got on his bus home. We were at the bus stop waiting and he was begging me to tell him but I couldn't! The embarrassment won over me and it kept my words from spewing out. BIG MISTAKE. He told me that until I told him he wouldn't say anything, and with that his bus came. When it did, he gave me a giant kiss on the cheek and went to the bus but not before he took my sweater with him. I pretended to be mad, but God knows I was anything but. About two minutes later, I got a text from him telling me to tell him, and so I did. I wrote down how much I like him, and that I was sorry for being a coward and not saying to his face, that's when he replied saying that he couldn't believe that and he was going to ask me if there was a chance we could be more than friends...at that moment, everything wasn't just black and white anymore it was like a rainbow, and I was happy again. Since then I truly realized why people say to take a chance on something even if you feel like it would totally crash and burn at your feet. In cases like these it's worth it and now I will forever regret not taking advantage of the opportunity when I had him here with me. Don't make that mistake ever! Even if things don't turn out the way you hoped, you can never rue doing what you did, it's all for the best.

The next few days were blissful talking to him, knowing he felt the same way for me was refreshing and even though it was all hearts and glitters.

Not everything that glitters is gold.

I knew, I would never be able to have a relationship with him without pissing a lot of people off, and that's where I am now. I'm stumped between my happiness and other's. Another problem is we haven't seen each other since he left and I'm not sure where we stand. What I do see occasionally is pictures that he gets tagged in, on Facebook and he's always with my sweater on, though it makes me happy it also gets me more confused...

I'm where now?!?!

Have any of you ever moved away?
Whether it was to a different town, or even country; like me.

It's not a very joyful experience, while you are making the transition, since you have all these negative thoughts about leaving behind a place and people you hold dear to you.
It's not until after you have settled down when you start to realize all the new things that surround you.

When I was packing for Uruguay, I couldn't find it in me to cry anymore. That's how hurt I was.
My mother came to me one day and randomly decided to tell me that she had been thinking about this move for quite some time now, and when was I told? Never.
I was not informed about this drastic change until after the decision was made, and everything was out of my reach.
All my peers and teachers told me : "Oh! I'll kidnap you until your mom leaves and you can live here!"
I would giggle, as a bittersweet feeling rushed over me. It was nice that they would say that but we all know that it was impossible for me to stay here, which made the feeling stronger.

Anyways, come June 3rd, I hopped on a plane at JFK and in 16 hours I would arrive to new territory.

URUGUAY JUNE 4TH, 2011 -->

Try walking from out of an airplane, without no one at your side, going to face a whole family that you have had for your entire life but never even met.
It was overwhelming for me. Everyone in the main area of the airport anticipating my arrival, knew me. They have past memories of themselves with me, even if it was as a baby.

I was standing before the gate, with my luggage, behind a big cartel that was promoting some Spanish product. Everything was foreign. My mother always spoke to me in Spanish for the soul reason that I would have to use it one day, only naive Sarah thought it would have been used back home, not in a Hispanic country.
I took a deep breath, and made my way, through some giant glass doors, and there they were. The strangers whom I will live with from now on. I saw everyone jumping in place, holding a giant banner that said "BIENVENIDA SARITA", and crying.
I was trying to find an emotion deep in me, I really was, but got nothing. Blip.
As I searched the faces, trying to find a known one, I found my grandmother. I remembered speaking to her for about 5 minutes on the phone, and seeing her in pictures, but she was actually here this time.

After half an hour of being smothered in kisses and being forced to hug and take pictures with them, we got into a giant van and headed towards the place I now call home.
It was beautiful, the landscape, the language spoken, and the charisma shown in people here, but this was not for me. This wasn't my NJ.

After some time of being here, I started to notice my surroundings, as I mentioned above. I started high school, made one or two friends, and adapted well to the change in customs.
You can ask me now, Where do you prefer to live? The U.S or Uruguay?
Need I say the answer? Uruguay!
It's taught me so many things that I didn't know before from living in the states.
Everyone has their place for them in the world. I respect the love that some people have for the country they live in, because I once felt that love for USA. And everyone is also entitled to their own opinion on the world. I got so much shit when I started school because everyone told me that I was crazy to move here and leave behind such a wonderful place.
Now you see, that's where I have to disagree. In Uruguay, though our size goes against us, we're all like a giant family. I have been treated better here in almost two years than I have in USA after living my whole life there. The people here are genuine, with the exception of the many who live their life on the wrong side, which happens everywhere.
I will always have a little place in my heart for the states because it is the place that brought me my childhood, and the friends I have today, but if I were given the decision to ever return, I wouldn't.
I've had major differences with someone that still lives in my ex-town because I feel that there are better things here than there are over there, and he tells me to drop the subject.
He's right though, why fight about something so unnecessary?
He loves the states, I love Uruguay. In the end, we will both defend our own territories, even if we're completely wrong about them. We all come from different places, and are headed in different directions. In my opinion, the best people and most humble, never leave behind their true roots.

P.s: One thing that really does "grind my gears" as said by Peter Griffin (<3), are the people who feel the need to completely ignore their heritage. If you come from Colombia, Brazil, Uruguay, or wherever, and you move to the states, you don't automatically turn Caucasian, but that's something that I would see happen all the time in my last high school. Hispanic people turning down their backgrounds to be feel superior? better about where they think they come from? I have no idea, why do it. There's no better country than your native one. Keep that in mind. I learned that the hard way, but now I couldn't be happier. :) 

Set fire to the third bar.

This is a point in my life where I felt like I made a good halt.

About two weeks before I broke up with the infamous Aaron, I started talking more and more with one of my clarinet mates, Brian. We would randomly see each other after school at the library and just hang out. Very soon, I became comfortable with him. I didn't feel an attraction towards him, but rather I saw him in a friendly spotlight. He would listen to me when I would rant on about Aaron, and also give me some advice, even though we both knew they were good friends.
May 14, 2010 : We were chilling at the library. I was messing around with Brian, and all of our friends were just strutting around the perimeter.
Brian asked me if he can talk to me for a bit in private, I said sure (trying to act like I didn't know what was going to happen, when in all reality I already did because his ex had told me).
He took me to a part of the library where no one would see us. There he asked me if I would like to go out with him.
In my mind the answer was ready to burst out : "yes!"
I didn't think of him before in that way, but I had thought about how quickly I warmed up to him. Of course the answer didn't quite exit my mouth as planned. Like the usual Sarah, controlling the situation, I proceeded to tell him that if I were to say yes then the relationship wouldn't be able to be anything serious. I was planning on moving in August to Uruguay and would have to leave him behind eventually.
We both agreed that no real attachment would be the best way to go and with that I gave him my answer.
Things after that sped up between us, we started this kissing game with rounds.
Round 1-Peck
Round 2-No tongue
Round 3- ... you get the point.
It was an interesting ice breaker, and fun to comment on over the phone when we would spend 5 hours almost every night.
The summer we spent together was blissful. I would say one of the best for me, definitely top 3.
A lot of things happened that summer, but none that I would ever regret.
February 14, 2011 : Valentine's Day was here! We decided to go out to eat and then I would spend the night at his house. We went to FRIDAY'S and everything was going great. He had told me at the beginning of the night that he couldn't get me a gift. I was a bit disappointed at first but then remembered that I didn't need one, because I was happy with just being there. During the pause we were taking after dinner and before desert, I hear him say, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot." and from under the table I see him slip out a box.
I was speechless, shocked even that he was slick enough to lie to me about not getting me a gift just to make it even more special.
Not being able to part my eyes from him, I grabbed the box and with an uneasy tremble to my hand, and  opened it slowly. For Christmas he had gotten me a beautiful heart-shaped key necklace, so I didn't know what to expect. Either way my mind wasn't prepared for analyzing the gift possibilities, since it was too busy telling my hands what to do.
I've always pictured in my mind, from all the images I got from movies, how everything would go out the day I got proposed to. This night came nothing close to what I had imagined, and 'til this day I'm glad.
The fact that everything was so simple, made it much better. The fact that I didn't see it coming, was the best part. And then holding that little box in my hand, with a silver gold ring in it, was my undoing.  
I didn't know whether to cry, say yes, or anything. I had been deprived of all my abilities for the longest 10 seconds of my life. Looking back from the ring to the boy sitting across from me, awaiting my answer, I knew what had to be done.
I knew I was leaving, I knew everything would be in higher risk of crashing right in front of us, but none of that mattered at that moment, on that night, everything was perfect between us.
On May 14th we had reached our one year. It was great, but we had less than a month together before I had to leave.
Once June 3rd came, I felt everything was crumbling in my hand. I was not only leaving my boyfriend, the guy I loved, but also someone who knew everything about me. Who stood by me, even through my jealousy outbreaks, my controlling moments, and my drama. He had the patience of a saint with me, and I think that's what I'm most grateful for.
We left on good terms, I had told him that I would wait for him for a bit only because knowing me and my trust issues, we would have ended up badly. Deep inside me I knew that I wanted to wait for him as long as he needed before coming to rescue me from this place, but it wouldn't happen, and it didn't.
If you would have talked to me, about two months back from this day, I would probably start bawling my eyes out, mad at myself for still being hung up on him and mad at him for not living up to my high expectations (which were too high at the time).
Now?
I reached happiness again. Of course I would love to be with him, how things were back in 2010, but at the same time I came to a conclusion with myself that it won't happen, and can never. But I accepted it, and the fact that I'm okay with everything now shows what time has healed.
Do I wish that we were at least friends? Of course!
I considered him a best friend. He would be the first I go to for everything, even still I wish I can just message him, and that he would reply like old times, but those things don't happen in reality.
It took Aaron more than a year, to forgive me and mention the possibility of regaining our friendship. Now we talk as if none of that ugly stuff ever happened.
But it won't be that way with Brian, because both people need to want to be friends with their ex, and both need to put effort.
I was the one slacking on effort before by giving up on our long distance relationship, and now he's the one slacking by ignoring me. Maybe that's his way to cope? Many people do in different ways.
Point is that what was once something so beautiful with someone ended up tearing up into pieces, both the relationship and the friendship, but I can sit here and list every horrible feeling that came to me while we were apart, or I can remember the good times spent, and hope that someone some day makes me feel the way he did. He will always be a part of me, because you can't get rid of someone who left such a mark on you, in many ways possible.
Maybe one day, we will cross paths in India, or Paris and he will be with his girlfriend at the time and me with my boyfriend and we'll be able to greet each other with an understanding of what was, and be able to be happy for one another.
      

Possible : a handy word to keep in mind.

Eighth grade held my second graduation ... (the first one being the one from fifth grade.)
I remember how fun and torturous dress shopping was for me. I wanted to look absolutely beautiful but that was difficult to do since the particular dress I wanted was not easy to find in my size.

The corset had a heart-shaped cut at the cleavage and it was very shiny.
The bottom part was white and stretched outwards with lots of volume like a princess, only it was only up to my knee.
I think we visited about 10 stores asking for that dress until we found one in Wood bridge mall that had it's last one in my size. I was so happy , but on the inside I was depressed. I didn't want to have to spend so much time on a dress, when I can make it possible for me to go into one store and find it right away.

Anyways, I had my dress, I enjoyed my graduation and I was ready to make that transition into high school.

On September, we went back to school.
It was nice to start off a new stage in my life with everyone on my side. We all greeted each other, and talked about our vacations.
On December 4th, I had another change to me.

Aaron, a very close friend of mine, asked me out that day after school at the library.
I had liked him for a while, so of course I said yes.
I felt happy, but kind of weird.
He was my first boy friend ever, and I wasn't sure what the boyfriend/girlfriend protocol was.
Everything went pretty smoothly, people started coming up to me telling me that they loved seeing us as a couple.

Come the day of love, Valentine's Day, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to get him a gift, or if we would skip it since we had only been together for a little more than two months. When I walked into school that day I found a very wonderful surprise. There he was. It was my first couple holiday with an actually partner and he had gotten me gifts! He got me a cute teddy bear with a dozen roses.
I remember that day so well, I felt special, in a way that I never did before.

We kept dating, until May.

I started getting distant from him. I felt myself drifting , and couldn't do anything about it. I knew the only thing that I HAD to do was let go. It wasn't fair to me, to stay in a relationship where I wasn't happy, and it was definitely not fair to him, to stay in a relationship where one of them didn't want to be.

It was difficult. I still deeply cared for him, and seeing his face change when I said everything, was not one of the best moments in my life. I will never know if I made the correct decision when I broke up with him, but that's the mystery of relationships.
You get one, you leave it.
It doesn't work out, you learn from it.
Until you get to that point in life where you are able to distinguish the relationships worth having and the ones that aren't. Though when entering a relationship, everyone sets themselves up for heart break. I think that's the true beauty of being with someone as more than friends. There is more pressure put on you guys, at the beginning, maybe to have the perfect dates, or to look nice for the other one. But then you get comfortable, and get to the fun of everything. Being with someone intimately in a way that is only for you two (excluding the whores who are always there waiting for their time to dig their claws into your relationship). I feel that getting to that point is worth, risking heart-ache, and drama.

I'm a firm believer in destiny when it comes to love, two people meant to be will find each other eventually, but that only happens if you work at the relationships you have before that. Nothing will fall in your lap. God doesn't send you a person with a giant sign saying "I'm your one" written on it. Like everything, you work hard at it, and stick to it, and be honest with that person and with you. They'll stay in your life, if they are meant to stay there.

It's what I tell myself, when I go through the troubles of letting go. If the person wants to stay, they will, and if they don't, you know that something better can be headed your way. Either way, at the end of the bumpy road is waiting something that you can only get to by enduring what life throws at you. But would you do anything possibly in your reach if it means true happiness? This speaks for love and for dress shopping and basically everything else.

Just have to remember, nothing is ever impossible.

    
    

Thus, I found myself.

Eighth grade was a turning point for me.
I was always someone who thought she didn't really belong in any groups. Like I would be able to be friends with who ever was nice to be, and BAM! I would be already part of my own little group of people. But in high school, shit doesn't work that way.
The cliche'd version of high school shown in teen movies, is somewhat true in an overly exaggerated way, ha-ha.
What I mean is, yes Jocks do hang out in their own cliques, and you can distinguish the popular kids from the freaks, but no you don't see a football player dunking a geek's head in the toilet everyday or the popular girl hanging off the shoulder of the quarterback. At least not in the high school I've been to.

Where I went, those people hung out with each other but also socialized with everyone. Of course you always have that small group of animals that can't be bothered by other's feelings and so they take it upon themselves to ruin the lives of students who they think are below them in a social scale.
Anyways, enough about them. This is my blog, and this post is about discovering my clique (but not really a clique).

Ahhhh, BAND.

The love of my life. 

The reason I survived high school. 

The road to my awesomeness.

In sixth grade, we were forced to have one hour of band everyday. It was a mandatory class, so we were also obligated to learn an instrument. Since my best friend, Karolyn, chose clarinet ... I too decided to go with that instrument. You can notice how much personality I lacked but whatever.

In seventh, I wasn't going to join band since I didn't really see it as something that I would enjoy to do as an extra. But in eighth grade, I felt the sudden urge to join chorus and band with Jennifer. Of course, Jen didn't want to but we had gotten close that year and so I was able to talk her into it. My one year of clarinet (which was torture by the way, switching from a string instrument to a woodwind.) landed me one of the clarinet rentals that the school had. People with most experience, got first dibs. 

That year, I realized that band is where I belonged. Jennifer never joined after eighth grade because she didn't really enjoy herself, but I kept it going all the way through most of my years of high school. 

The instrument locker room was a sanctuary for me, and I felt truly happy when I would walk in there, grab my case and go over to my chair with a stand in front of me, showing me a sheet of music that I would be able to turn into a work of art with the rest of my fellow band members. 

I find it beautiful to be able to bring to life, what someone else imagined. I would always see in my mind the composer listening to us practice everyday, up until the concert night and saying "this is how I pictured the song sounding like". 

Maybe it's just me, but nothing compares to the goosebumps I get, when my band teacher would play for us a new song on her radio that we had to learn. The thought of us being able to create that kind of emotion through music is almost unbearable. 

That's what I want to feel for the rest of my life. And I know that in or out of high school, the band is where I will always belong. 

Two treasures.

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there!

Sixth grade wasn't much of a big deal, other than the fact that I met one of my best friends in that class. Karolyn and I became very close that year, although by the time it finished she moved to Pennsylvania, and I was left alone, to go through the rest of middle school and high school without someone to tell everything to, about how horrible my day was, or the opposite.
I kept her in my memories always, remembering who was the one to keep me sane during that year. Especially with the crazy whack job who used to call herself a teacher.
Sixth grade ended pretty quickly, though out of all my school years, it holds one of the two most important memories that I have.
The next is seventh grade.

  It seems as if only yesterday, I was at the hospital getting a check up done in order to register to NP Middle School. I wasn't moving that far away, only an hour drive to get to all of my friends but back then it was a big deal. I would have to be the new girl for the second time in my life. I wasn't really one to move around much, and the fact that I was born TREMENDOUSLY shy didn't really help me in this situation.

The middle school was mixed with the high school. Same building, different wings. The first day was pretty awkward since everyone knew each other from elementary school, no one really paid any attention to the new girl.

The first week was pretty standard, but the most interesting times were lunch and gym. I loved one, and hated the other. (Can you guess which is which?) Anyways, after gym when we would all pack our things to go to class I would say bye to this girl named Jennifer. She was so nice, although our conversations lasted like two seconds.

Thankfully, I never had to sit alone during lunch for the soul reason that we had to sit according to homeroom numbers. I never talked to anyone but at least I wasn't the freak in the corner, forced to watch everyone else enjoy their lunch in company.

One odd day in my life, after sitting down to eat, this girl next to me says "hi" in the squeakiest way possible. My first impression of her was simple. She was short, quirky looking, and seemed sweet.

"Hey" was all I said, followed by one of my famous "I'll be sweet but only to be polite" smiles.

Her name is Juliana. Julie for short. Usually I was capable of being nice, while actually not caring about the situation but in this particular one, she just wouldn't budge. She kept talking and talking and I remember telling myself to be happy that she isn't being mean to me, but I didn't really want any friends. I felt like I already had all my important ones.

My motto was : old is always better than new.

'Till this day, I recall her calling Jennifer (from gym class) over to the table and asking her to eat with us so all three of us could get better acquainted with each other. By this point, I was actually hating my life at NP. Only back then, I didn't really expect Juliana to be who she is to me today.

At some point in that year, something changed drastically in our friendship. We went from "hey" and "what's up" to making dirty jokes and all that fun stuff. We got to see a side of each other that wasn't there before, that maybe we didn't even know until we met each other.

Some people we meet in life, stay and form a part of us, and others leave.
What they both have in common is that they each bring to the table an experience. Whether it's a bad one, that helps you learn for future references. Or a really awesome one, that teaches you that it's not all bad out there.

These girls, are the two people who I can truly call a best friend, sister, and any other word to describe, what I hope to be a friendship that lasts a lifetime.