About two weeks before I broke up with the infamous Aaron, I started talking more and more with one of my clarinet mates, Brian. We would randomly see each other after school at the library and just hang out. Very soon, I became comfortable with him. I didn't feel an attraction towards him, but rather I saw him in a friendly spotlight. He would listen to me when I would rant on about Aaron, and also give me some advice, even though we both knew they were good friends.
May 14, 2010 : We were chilling at the library. I was messing around with Brian, and all of our friends were just strutting around the perimeter.
Brian asked me if he can talk to me for a bit in private, I said sure (trying to act like I didn't know what was going to happen, when in all reality I already did because his ex had told me).
He took me to a part of the library where no one would see us. There he asked me if I would like to go out with him.
In my mind the answer was ready to burst out : "yes!"
I didn't think of him before in that way, but I had thought about how quickly I warmed up to him. Of course the answer didn't quite exit my mouth as planned. Like the usual Sarah, controlling the situation, I proceeded to tell him that if I were to say yes then the relationship wouldn't be able to be anything serious. I was planning on moving in August to Uruguay and would have to leave him behind eventually.
We both agreed that no real attachment would be the best way to go and with that I gave him my answer.
Things after that sped up between us, we started this kissing game with rounds.
Round 1-Peck
Round 2-No tongue
Round 3- ... you get the point.
It was an interesting ice breaker, and fun to comment on over the phone when we would spend 5 hours almost every night.
The summer we spent together was blissful. I would say one of the best for me, definitely top 3.
A lot of things happened that summer, but none that I would ever regret.
February 14, 2011 : Valentine's Day was here! We decided to go out to eat and then I would spend the night at his house. We went to FRIDAY'S and everything was going great. He had told me at the beginning of the night that he couldn't get me a gift. I was a bit disappointed at first but then remembered that I didn't need one, because I was happy with just being there. During the pause we were taking after dinner and before desert, I hear him say, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot." and from under the table I see him slip out a box.
I was speechless, shocked even that he was slick enough to lie to me about not getting me a gift just to make it even more special.
Not being able to part my eyes from him, I grabbed the box and with an uneasy tremble to my hand, and opened it slowly. For Christmas he had gotten me a beautiful heart-shaped key necklace, so I didn't know what to expect. Either way my mind wasn't prepared for analyzing the gift possibilities, since it was too busy telling my hands what to do.
I've always pictured in my mind, from all the images I got from movies, how everything would go out the day I got proposed to. This night came nothing close to what I had imagined, and 'til this day I'm glad.
The fact that everything was so simple, made it much better. The fact that I didn't see it coming, was the best part. And then holding that little box in my hand, with a silver gold ring in it, was my undoing.
I didn't know whether to cry, say yes, or anything. I had been deprived of all my abilities for the longest 10 seconds of my life. Looking back from the ring to the boy sitting across from me, awaiting my answer, I knew what had to be done.
I knew I was leaving, I knew everything would be in higher risk of crashing right in front of us, but none of that mattered at that moment, on that night, everything was perfect between us.
On May 14th we had reached our one year. It was great, but we had less than a month together before I had to leave.
Once June 3rd came, I felt everything was crumbling in my hand. I was not only leaving my boyfriend, the guy I loved, but also someone who knew everything about me. Who stood by me, even through my jealousy outbreaks, my controlling moments, and my drama. He had the patience of a saint with me, and I think that's what I'm most grateful for.
We left on good terms, I had told him that I would wait for him for a bit only because knowing me and my trust issues, we would have ended up badly. Deep inside me I knew that I wanted to wait for him as long as he needed before coming to rescue me from this place, but it wouldn't happen, and it didn't.
If you would have talked to me, about two months back from this day, I would probably start bawling my eyes out, mad at myself for still being hung up on him and mad at him for not living up to my high expectations (which were too high at the time).
Now?
I reached happiness again. Of course I would love to be with him, how things were back in 2010, but at the same time I came to a conclusion with myself that it won't happen, and can never. But I accepted it, and the fact that I'm okay with everything now shows what time has healed.
Do I wish that we were at least friends? Of course!
I considered him a best friend. He would be the first I go to for everything, even still I wish I can just message him, and that he would reply like old times, but those things don't happen in reality.
It took Aaron more than a year, to forgive me and mention the possibility of regaining our friendship. Now we talk as if none of that ugly stuff ever happened.
But it won't be that way with Brian, because both people need to want to be friends with their ex, and both need to put effort.
I was the one slacking on effort before by giving up on our long distance relationship, and now he's the one slacking by ignoring me. Maybe that's his way to cope? Many people do in different ways.
Point is that what was once something so beautiful with someone ended up tearing up into pieces, both the relationship and the friendship, but I can sit here and list every horrible feeling that came to me while we were apart, or I can remember the good times spent, and hope that someone some day makes me feel the way he did. He will always be a part of me, because you can't get rid of someone who left such a mark on you, in many ways possible.
Maybe one day, we will cross paths in India, or Paris and he will be with his girlfriend at the time and me with my boyfriend and we'll be able to greet each other with an understanding of what was, and be able to be happy for one another.
